Visions of Parenthood Danced Through My Head

If you're a parent, even a brand new one (I seem to have many friends becoming first-time parentd recently), you will probably admit that parenthood is at least a LITTLE different than you imagined it would be.

I just started reading a book called "Ketchup is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves". This book is very similar to my favorite parenting books, The Girlfriends Guide books. I am literally laughing out loud at some of this mom's descriptions. But I it also has me reflecting upon how I envisioned my life as a mom versus how my life IS as a mom.

First of all, let me just say, I NEVER in a MILLION TRILLION BILLION YEARS thought I would become a stay-at-home mom, let alone one who uses cloth diapers and became an advocate for homeschooling. I actually remember when this topic came up when I was pregnant with Sam. Christian really wanted me to become a stay-at-home mother. I thought he was crazy. Considering I was pushing my way through my last semester of graduate school and had already taken and passed my clinical liscensure exam, I thought there was NO WAY I could be a stay-at-home mom. It would totally slow down my professional momentum, right? Right.

Then Sam was born. Four days past my duedate at the end of August. (Talk about a long summer.) The WHOLE WORLD stopped spinning. Who cared about professional momentum, right? Right. Oh, I just agreed with myself twice. Hmm.

I told myself (and my boss) that I would be back in 8 weeks. 8 weeks turned into 12 weeks. 12 weeks turned into after Christmas. After Christmas turned into "I'm a stay at home mom and proud of it." It didn't take me long to agree with Christian that the best gift we could give our son and any later-born siblings was one of us being a full-time parent. (I'm sure that Christian gladly would have taken on these duties...sad fact is that even with a MSW and my license, he still makes more money as an engineer...and don't tell him, but I would not trade my position as CEO of the Capotosto Residence for any salary.)

Who would have thought? Not me.

It might also surprise you, dear reader, to know that there was a time in my life that I didn't think I wanted children. Unless you knew me at that time. Chances are, if you know me, you know I get really focused on things. At one point in my life, I was really focused on getting straight As and going to medical school. Right now I am really focused on being a good mom.


It started with pregnancy. I knew from her telling me that my mom was sick when she was pregnant. I didn't ever imagine how exhausting 40 weeks of human-growing could be. How terrible constant nausea would be. How guilty I would feel every time I muttered the words "I hate being pregnant."

Labor. Well, I will confess that I had what one of my mom's friends calls "movie star" labors. Fast and furious. Ready to leave the hospital 15 minutes later. I rely on my husband and midwife to be the voice of reason right then.

Breastfeeding. Some kids just aren't naturals. Sam wasn't. It took work. I was surprised at my level of commitment to nursing. Too many tears later, I nursed him for 19 months. (Brayden for a bit longer, though he was a natural.)

Maintaining a relationship with my husband. Maybe this is because we march to the beat of the same drum, but this has so far not been an issue for us. Should I be nervous? I'm not. We just get each other.

Putting up with remarks from other parents: I'm so over it. I am not competing with you. I'm just doing what I think is best for my children. (Obviously, if you're reading my blog, this is probably not directed at you, but don't you know that ONE mom who thinks she is better than everyone else?)

Putting up with remarks from non-parents: I was totally guilty of this before having a baby. Sometimes even in a professional capacity. (To be fair, many of those parents were in mandated therapy so they really did need to hear things.) Just wait. Your kid is going to have a tantrum in public someday (feel free to substitute location and behavior here) and you are probably not going to give in either, even if it is easier.

I could go on and on.

I think every kid says at least once when they are small, "I'll NEVER say/do THAT to MY kids!"

Right? Right.

Some of this has remained true for me. I'm fairly even-keel as a parent. I usually reason with my kids to the best of our mutual abilities. I try to use positive reinforcement and praise instead of being negative. I have never told my kids that they are bad. (even when I feel like it...repeats social worker phrase "There are no bad kids, only bad behavior" repeatedly) But I confess to raising my voice (even sometimes when it's not really necessary but I lose my temper), saying "Because I said so", saying things I wish I didn't (for example "you're driving me nuts"), using an occasional bribe, letting them watch a movie so I can fold laundry, etc. Some of you may have witnessed a bad parenting moment for me. If you're a parent, you probably consoled me during the inevitable tears on my part afterward. (I always hold onto bad moments much longer than my kids ever do...they don't even remember it 5 minutes later, or until it is convenient for them to remember.)

I still don't drive a mini-van. (Had to say that, just in case my sisTER is reading this. Because she loves her van...hehehe....teasing with love.)

I don't buy baby food. I don't give bottles. I pinch pennies. I sometimes complain. I use time-outs. My kids are not perfect and I'm not either. I grow as a parent as they grow and learn. I make more than my fair share of mistakes as a mom, many of them mistakes that I didn't even consider before I had a baby, but I do the best I can do every single day. Even those days that end with a sigh of relief and a glass of wine!

I always kind of thought that being a mom would be a lot like babysitting, which I did a lot of growing up. WRONG! It's better. Most of the time. These little humans are all mine to shape into people. They, of course, have their own personalities (and I've been very blessed here because I'll be the first to say that my kids are pretty cool), but it's MY JOB to teach them morals, acceptable behaviors, vocabulary, awesome music taste (haha), etc. (I'm not going to lie here...I want my boys to grow up to be just like their dad, although perhaps a little less hairy....Christian, do you read my blog? I don't think he does..but he's aware of his hirsute status so oh well. Love you, Daddy.) On the other hand, in a weak moment, I can't just tell their parents about it later. I don't hand them back with a kiss at the end of my "shift" Because I AM the parent...so I (try to) take a deep breath and deal with behavior accordingly, good and bad! All while trying to exhibit acceptable responses myself, ESPECIALLY when I feel like giving up. (Even if ends with a sigh of a relief and a glass of wine. Yes, I know I already said that.)

I feel really blessed to be in the position I am. I feel like it is such a privilege to be a stay-at-home mother and wife. (No, I am not financially privileged. I make every cent in our bank account cry for mercy.) Many women would love to do this but aren't able. And some women don't want to, which is ok too, as long as they are doing what they feel is best for them and their kids. Being a mom is something I couldn't have ever imagined. In both good ways and bad ways. Life's a dance...we learn as we go ;-)

How BLESSED we are that life is made of fluid movement and is not set in concrete! So many options are available to us. It's all about making choices for ourselves and our families. As parents, we make different choices. Like I said, it's not a competition. It's doing what we think is best for precious little lives. There's no such thing as a parenting mold, even within the same family. (Boy, if Sam and Brayden haven't taught me that, nothing will!)

What about you? How is being a parent the same or different than you thought it would be? Or for you non-parents, do you have a clear idea of what it will be like? :-) Just something to think about!

Measuring Love

I was six when my brother was born. One of my favorite memories of Jordan as a young child was the day he said to me, "I love you one hundred gallons."

My son Sam is now 5-1/2 and several times a day he will say, "Do you know how much I love you?", to which my inevitable reply is, "How much?" His answers range from "dozens and dozens" to "millions and billions and tons and tons" to the classic "to infinity and beyond" to the thought-provoking "as far away as Heaven and back." I also love that Brayden has somewhat copied this behavior and will say, "Mommy?" When I say, "Yes, Brayden?", he says, "I LOVE you!" with typical Brayden enthusiasm.

(Note: they say this to me even on "bad" days, which probably means that my bad days are not so bad.)

Love is one of those things that cannot me measured in human terms. My heart bursts every time he plays this game. How much love is THAT? So much, that's how much.

Sam is also getting old enough to start recognizing how much Jesus loves him. He has gone through a phase of being fascinated by Heaven, and his current fixation is Jesus' crucifixion. Down the last thorny detail. (As in, he informed me that he didn't think spitting on Jesus was acceptable behavior.) I encourage him to explore these difficult concepts and allow him to grow into his faith. Today when he was talking about this, we discussed John 3:16, or what I think of as a very strong love-centered verse. Oh, how blessed we are to know our Lord and be bathed in His love every day.

One thing Sam enjoys doing is singing songs (Brayden would rather dance or play the accompanying melody), and he will often change the words to songs about Emma. Sam and Emma remind me so much of Jordan and myself all those years ago. I can see the bond forming between them and it is heartwarming as a parent to watch their love.

Today I overheard him singing these words to his sister (while Brayden sat next to him playing his guitar):

"I know Emma is from Jesus
Yes, God sent her to us!
I don't want my body to die but
I want to know what Heaven looks like
Maybe nothing is there except God and Jesus
And that's ok because I know they're there
Thank you God for my baby sister!
I want to go to Heaven with Emma Jane"



Let me just say, I was in the bathroom with tears rolling down my face. If only more of us were capable of the pure love and pure trust that a child experiences!

An Opportunity to React

I have a mom voice. I inherited this voice from my own mother. It sounds meaner than I intend it to ever sound. I am aware of this and DO work very hard at not barking needlessly at my kids. Even if I am calm, sometimes my voice sounds mean.

Recently, I have discovered myself cringing at how my sons sometimes speak to each other. We have never had a problem with them fighting until the past few weeks. Brayden is much more aggressive than Sam ever considered being. He has the typical 2-1/2 angry reactions, tearful meltdowns when he hears the word no or gets sent to time-out, etc. I have to say from afar that most arguments are the direct result of how Brayden is acting. As the oldest child in my family, I so understand why Sam gets irritated and upset, even though I wish he would be a bit more patient at times. Sam is very....Sam. There's no word to describe him. He's very Bert, where Brayden is very Ernie. The odd couple. But from a mothering stand-point, I know it is important to teach Sam and Brayden how to interact positively. At least most of the time.

I don't like when my boys are practically growling at each other. And it makes me wonder, "Is that how *I* sound when I talk to them?" I do make a conscious effort to get down to my children's eye level and speak calmly. Like any mom, yes, I lose my temper. More often than I am proud of, that is for sure. But when my boys speak harshly to each other, it makes me CRINGE. I already used that word, but it's true.

I recently read a blog entry by a famous mom of a large brood. I have a fascination with the Duggar family, and occasionally I will read Michelle's blog if something catches my eye. The one to which I'm referring talked about how they have many small crises a day and how she has come to view these situations as an opportunity to demonstrate a reaction. I started reading it because the title contained the words "go with the flow"...something I am not very good at doing.

You can read her words here:
http://parentables.howstuffworks.com/family-matters/going-flow-patience-flexibility-large-family.html

This rang true to me. A crisis to a child is anything from stubbing your toe to being served something you don't want for lunch, right? And depending on many factors, this could lead to a big reaction. I know my kids seem much more dramatic when they are tired, hungry, etc. I am always saying that I try not to lose my temper because I am the grown up. I am the one who, theoretically, has learned self control. They learn from ME. (And Christian and others, of course.) After giving it some thought, I have determined that allowing them see my mishaps is teachable for them as well. Even my bad moments can be a lesson for them. They realize that "crises" also happen to MOM!

My kids pick up my mood and my behaviors like little sponges. For example, we laugh at Sam's vocabulary, and now Brayden is starting to talk just like Sam....and Sam talks like we do. So many personality traits of both Christian and I, as well as other family members, shine through our kids. Same goes for the mood of the house. One of my other blogging friends, Rita, wrote a blog entry about how she "decided" to turn a bad day into a good day. (Thanks Rita! Check it out: http://busylittlebeaver.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/make-it-a-good-day/) I have kept this in my mind on more than one grumpy occasion. Just yesterday, the day started out on a rough note. I ended up allowing Sam to play a computer game and let Brayden lay down on the couch to watch a movie while Emma was sleeping and I did some yoga (which I am terrible at, in case anyone is wondering). Her theory worked. The rest of our day was much better.

It hurts me that I've taught my children this negative behavior. Barking at one another. I am human. No matter how much I work at being patient, sometimes I slip. Sometimes I lose my temper more than once in one day and go to bed beating myself up over my harsh words. Even if my kids have long since forgiven my words or actions.

A while back, a friend on facebook posted an article in which the author suggested asking your children (or yourself), "Was it true?", "Was it kind?", "Was it necessary?" in regards to words you say to others. I try to keep this in mind as well.

I think Michelle Duggar is right. I have never heard it put like she put it. It IS an opportunity. An opportunity to teach our children positive reactions. I am mostly thinking about this because both Monday and Tuesday were bad days at my house, and when Wednesday started the same way, I had to make that conscious decision to change it up. What a difference it made when I said a prayer and let my strings loosed up a bit.

Does anyone else out there need to work on this?

Early Bird

We are a family of late sleepers. I know many of my friends with children are often out of bed at the crack of dawn. To me, the crack of dawn is the middle of the night! Our average wake-up is around 9. (Other than Christian going to work, and sometimes he is still home at 9 if he pushes snooze too many times....don't get me started on the snooze button....let's just say, I wish his alarm clock didn't have one.) I'm writing this at 9:30. Sam and Emma are sleeping. They don't always sleep this late. (FYI, it is now 10 and Sam is up, but not a peep from Emma....this is untypically late.)

And then there is Brayden.

Here he is, wearing a baseball helmet (haha) and having a banana and juice. He did take off his work gloves to eat.

He's been such a stinker lately. Especially about sleep. And I think his funky sleep pattern is what is causing him to be so cranky lately.

I'm not sure how this started, but when we put him to bed, he doesn't go to sleep, even when he is very tired. He gets out of bed over and over, for anything from going to the bathroom to phantom injuries. Or, he will stay in bed, but not sleep. You get the point. He has gotten a little better about going right to sleep at nap time. (Probably because he knows that I take less nonsense than Christian.)

But here comes the kicker.

He wakes up before 7 am. Or at least he has been for the past few weeks.

I'm not sure why he gets up so early. He doesn't want to DO anything when he gets up. He just wants to lay on the couch with his blanket.

I will be honest. It's driving me a little crazy.

I can deal with the not going right to sleep part. He can look at a book or whatever until he goes to sleep. I could even deal with the earlier-than-standard-Capotosto-wake-up.

But he has NOT been himself.

If you have had the pleasure of meeting Brayden, no words are necessary to describe him. He's...Brayden. Happy. Curious. A little mischievous. Kind-hearted. Easy going. Exuberant!

Brayden of late has been a whiner. He has bags under his eyes. He's in a daze, as in, I have to say something 3 or 4 times with increasing volume before he even realizes I'm talking to him. I've been getting a lot of "Nos" and "I don't want to do....." (Which is just NOT allowed in our home.) Worst of all, he is, at moments, downright mean, mostly to Sam. He is just....tired.

I have started saying, "Just because you're tired doesn't mean you can be naughty."

All of the said....he still has more good moments than bad.

AND....

He's lucky he has those big blue eyes, cheek dimple, and long eyelashes!!