An Opportunity to React

I have a mom voice. I inherited this voice from my own mother. It sounds meaner than I intend it to ever sound. I am aware of this and DO work very hard at not barking needlessly at my kids. Even if I am calm, sometimes my voice sounds mean.

Recently, I have discovered myself cringing at how my sons sometimes speak to each other. We have never had a problem with them fighting until the past few weeks. Brayden is much more aggressive than Sam ever considered being. He has the typical 2-1/2 angry reactions, tearful meltdowns when he hears the word no or gets sent to time-out, etc. I have to say from afar that most arguments are the direct result of how Brayden is acting. As the oldest child in my family, I so understand why Sam gets irritated and upset, even though I wish he would be a bit more patient at times. Sam is very....Sam. There's no word to describe him. He's very Bert, where Brayden is very Ernie. The odd couple. But from a mothering stand-point, I know it is important to teach Sam and Brayden how to interact positively. At least most of the time.

I don't like when my boys are practically growling at each other. And it makes me wonder, "Is that how *I* sound when I talk to them?" I do make a conscious effort to get down to my children's eye level and speak calmly. Like any mom, yes, I lose my temper. More often than I am proud of, that is for sure. But when my boys speak harshly to each other, it makes me CRINGE. I already used that word, but it's true.

I recently read a blog entry by a famous mom of a large brood. I have a fascination with the Duggar family, and occasionally I will read Michelle's blog if something catches my eye. The one to which I'm referring talked about how they have many small crises a day and how she has come to view these situations as an opportunity to demonstrate a reaction. I started reading it because the title contained the words "go with the flow"...something I am not very good at doing.

You can read her words here:
http://parentables.howstuffworks.com/family-matters/going-flow-patience-flexibility-large-family.html

This rang true to me. A crisis to a child is anything from stubbing your toe to being served something you don't want for lunch, right? And depending on many factors, this could lead to a big reaction. I know my kids seem much more dramatic when they are tired, hungry, etc. I am always saying that I try not to lose my temper because I am the grown up. I am the one who, theoretically, has learned self control. They learn from ME. (And Christian and others, of course.) After giving it some thought, I have determined that allowing them see my mishaps is teachable for them as well. Even my bad moments can be a lesson for them. They realize that "crises" also happen to MOM!

My kids pick up my mood and my behaviors like little sponges. For example, we laugh at Sam's vocabulary, and now Brayden is starting to talk just like Sam....and Sam talks like we do. So many personality traits of both Christian and I, as well as other family members, shine through our kids. Same goes for the mood of the house. One of my other blogging friends, Rita, wrote a blog entry about how she "decided" to turn a bad day into a good day. (Thanks Rita! Check it out: http://busylittlebeaver.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/make-it-a-good-day/) I have kept this in my mind on more than one grumpy occasion. Just yesterday, the day started out on a rough note. I ended up allowing Sam to play a computer game and let Brayden lay down on the couch to watch a movie while Emma was sleeping and I did some yoga (which I am terrible at, in case anyone is wondering). Her theory worked. The rest of our day was much better.

It hurts me that I've taught my children this negative behavior. Barking at one another. I am human. No matter how much I work at being patient, sometimes I slip. Sometimes I lose my temper more than once in one day and go to bed beating myself up over my harsh words. Even if my kids have long since forgiven my words or actions.

A while back, a friend on facebook posted an article in which the author suggested asking your children (or yourself), "Was it true?", "Was it kind?", "Was it necessary?" in regards to words you say to others. I try to keep this in mind as well.

I think Michelle Duggar is right. I have never heard it put like she put it. It IS an opportunity. An opportunity to teach our children positive reactions. I am mostly thinking about this because both Monday and Tuesday were bad days at my house, and when Wednesday started the same way, I had to make that conscious decision to change it up. What a difference it made when I said a prayer and let my strings loosed up a bit.

Does anyone else out there need to work on this?