Visions of Parenthood Danced Through My Head

If you're a parent, even a brand new one (I seem to have many friends becoming first-time parentd recently), you will probably admit that parenthood is at least a LITTLE different than you imagined it would be.

I just started reading a book called "Ketchup is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves". This book is very similar to my favorite parenting books, The Girlfriends Guide books. I am literally laughing out loud at some of this mom's descriptions. But I it also has me reflecting upon how I envisioned my life as a mom versus how my life IS as a mom.

First of all, let me just say, I NEVER in a MILLION TRILLION BILLION YEARS thought I would become a stay-at-home mom, let alone one who uses cloth diapers and became an advocate for homeschooling. I actually remember when this topic came up when I was pregnant with Sam. Christian really wanted me to become a stay-at-home mother. I thought he was crazy. Considering I was pushing my way through my last semester of graduate school and had already taken and passed my clinical liscensure exam, I thought there was NO WAY I could be a stay-at-home mom. It would totally slow down my professional momentum, right? Right.

Then Sam was born. Four days past my duedate at the end of August. (Talk about a long summer.) The WHOLE WORLD stopped spinning. Who cared about professional momentum, right? Right. Oh, I just agreed with myself twice. Hmm.

I told myself (and my boss) that I would be back in 8 weeks. 8 weeks turned into 12 weeks. 12 weeks turned into after Christmas. After Christmas turned into "I'm a stay at home mom and proud of it." It didn't take me long to agree with Christian that the best gift we could give our son and any later-born siblings was one of us being a full-time parent. (I'm sure that Christian gladly would have taken on these duties...sad fact is that even with a MSW and my license, he still makes more money as an engineer...and don't tell him, but I would not trade my position as CEO of the Capotosto Residence for any salary.)

Who would have thought? Not me.

It might also surprise you, dear reader, to know that there was a time in my life that I didn't think I wanted children. Unless you knew me at that time. Chances are, if you know me, you know I get really focused on things. At one point in my life, I was really focused on getting straight As and going to medical school. Right now I am really focused on being a good mom.


It started with pregnancy. I knew from her telling me that my mom was sick when she was pregnant. I didn't ever imagine how exhausting 40 weeks of human-growing could be. How terrible constant nausea would be. How guilty I would feel every time I muttered the words "I hate being pregnant."

Labor. Well, I will confess that I had what one of my mom's friends calls "movie star" labors. Fast and furious. Ready to leave the hospital 15 minutes later. I rely on my husband and midwife to be the voice of reason right then.

Breastfeeding. Some kids just aren't naturals. Sam wasn't. It took work. I was surprised at my level of commitment to nursing. Too many tears later, I nursed him for 19 months. (Brayden for a bit longer, though he was a natural.)

Maintaining a relationship with my husband. Maybe this is because we march to the beat of the same drum, but this has so far not been an issue for us. Should I be nervous? I'm not. We just get each other.

Putting up with remarks from other parents: I'm so over it. I am not competing with you. I'm just doing what I think is best for my children. (Obviously, if you're reading my blog, this is probably not directed at you, but don't you know that ONE mom who thinks she is better than everyone else?)

Putting up with remarks from non-parents: I was totally guilty of this before having a baby. Sometimes even in a professional capacity. (To be fair, many of those parents were in mandated therapy so they really did need to hear things.) Just wait. Your kid is going to have a tantrum in public someday (feel free to substitute location and behavior here) and you are probably not going to give in either, even if it is easier.

I could go on and on.

I think every kid says at least once when they are small, "I'll NEVER say/do THAT to MY kids!"

Right? Right.

Some of this has remained true for me. I'm fairly even-keel as a parent. I usually reason with my kids to the best of our mutual abilities. I try to use positive reinforcement and praise instead of being negative. I have never told my kids that they are bad. (even when I feel like it...repeats social worker phrase "There are no bad kids, only bad behavior" repeatedly) But I confess to raising my voice (even sometimes when it's not really necessary but I lose my temper), saying "Because I said so", saying things I wish I didn't (for example "you're driving me nuts"), using an occasional bribe, letting them watch a movie so I can fold laundry, etc. Some of you may have witnessed a bad parenting moment for me. If you're a parent, you probably consoled me during the inevitable tears on my part afterward. (I always hold onto bad moments much longer than my kids ever do...they don't even remember it 5 minutes later, or until it is convenient for them to remember.)

I still don't drive a mini-van. (Had to say that, just in case my sisTER is reading this. Because she loves her van...hehehe....teasing with love.)

I don't buy baby food. I don't give bottles. I pinch pennies. I sometimes complain. I use time-outs. My kids are not perfect and I'm not either. I grow as a parent as they grow and learn. I make more than my fair share of mistakes as a mom, many of them mistakes that I didn't even consider before I had a baby, but I do the best I can do every single day. Even those days that end with a sigh of relief and a glass of wine!

I always kind of thought that being a mom would be a lot like babysitting, which I did a lot of growing up. WRONG! It's better. Most of the time. These little humans are all mine to shape into people. They, of course, have their own personalities (and I've been very blessed here because I'll be the first to say that my kids are pretty cool), but it's MY JOB to teach them morals, acceptable behaviors, vocabulary, awesome music taste (haha), etc. (I'm not going to lie here...I want my boys to grow up to be just like their dad, although perhaps a little less hairy....Christian, do you read my blog? I don't think he does..but he's aware of his hirsute status so oh well. Love you, Daddy.) On the other hand, in a weak moment, I can't just tell their parents about it later. I don't hand them back with a kiss at the end of my "shift" Because I AM the parent...so I (try to) take a deep breath and deal with behavior accordingly, good and bad! All while trying to exhibit acceptable responses myself, ESPECIALLY when I feel like giving up. (Even if ends with a sigh of a relief and a glass of wine. Yes, I know I already said that.)

I feel really blessed to be in the position I am. I feel like it is such a privilege to be a stay-at-home mother and wife. (No, I am not financially privileged. I make every cent in our bank account cry for mercy.) Many women would love to do this but aren't able. And some women don't want to, which is ok too, as long as they are doing what they feel is best for them and their kids. Being a mom is something I couldn't have ever imagined. In both good ways and bad ways. Life's a dance...we learn as we go ;-)

How BLESSED we are that life is made of fluid movement and is not set in concrete! So many options are available to us. It's all about making choices for ourselves and our families. As parents, we make different choices. Like I said, it's not a competition. It's doing what we think is best for precious little lives. There's no such thing as a parenting mold, even within the same family. (Boy, if Sam and Brayden haven't taught me that, nothing will!)

What about you? How is being a parent the same or different than you thought it would be? Or for you non-parents, do you have a clear idea of what it will be like? :-) Just something to think about!